10 Tips and Tricks for Writing an End-of-Year Letter to Shareholders

As the end of the year approaches, it's time for companies to start thinking about their annual shareholder letters.

These letters are a chance for companies to provide updates on their performance, outline their goals and objectives for the coming year, and thank shareholders for their support. But let's be real, most of these letters are just filled with empty platitudes and corporate jargon. That's why we've compiled a list of 10 tips and tricks for writing an end-of-year letter to shareholders that will make your letter stand out from the rest.

1.  Start with a vague and meaningless opening statement, such as "It has been a challenging year" or "As we close out this unprecedented year..." This will set the tone for the rest of the letter and make it clear that you have nothing substantial to say.

2.  Use a lot of buzzwords and corporate jargon to distract from the fact that you have no actual accomplishments to report. Words like "synergy," "paradigm shift," and "disruptive innovation" are always good choices.

3.  Make grandiose claims about your company's future prospects, even if there is no evidence to support them. You can say things like "we are poised for exponential growth in the coming year" or "our ground-breaking technology will revolutionize the industry." If you don’t have any partnerships lined up, then just make some up.  Call them “additional parties” and say how excited you are to potentially be working with these potential partners. (Potentially.)

4.  Be sure to mention any charitable donations or sustainability initiatives your company has undertaken, even if they are minuscule compared to your overall profits. This will make you look like a socially responsible corporation, even if you're not.

5.  If your company has had any setbacks or failures this year, be sure to downplay them or ignore them entirely. It's important to present a rosy picture to shareholders, no matter what the reality may be. It doesn’t matter that you failed in 90% of your endeavors. What matters is that in the new year you really buckle down, work hard, and find a new group of investors to fleece.

6.  Use a lot of exclamation points to show enthusiasm and excitement, even if you don't actually feel any. You can even use multiple exclamation points in a row for extra emphasis!!!

7.  End the letter with a vague and empty statement of gratitude, such as "We are grateful for the continued support of our shareholders" or "We appreciate your trust in our leadership." This will make it seem like you care about your shareholders, even if you don't. Make sure to move all your goal posts to late in the next year. This will give you an extra 10 months of wiggle room before people start questioning your excessive salary.

8.  Use a lot of bold and italicized text to make important-sounding points, even if they are not actually important. This will make your letter look more professional and impressive. Remember, fiduciary responsibility means writing nice letters more than closing deals.

9.  Use a lot of bullet points to make your letter look organized and concise, even if the information is actually convoluted and hard to follow.

10. Finally, be sure to include a flattering photo of yourself or your executive team at the top of the letter. This will make you look approachable and trustworthy, even if you're not. If no photo is available, then make sure bold your name at the bottom of the letter. This will reassure investors that you know how to use a keyboard.

I hope these tips are helpful and give you some inspiration for writing your end-of-year letter to shareholders. Just remember to keep it light, upbeat, and full of corporate buzzwords and jargon, and you can't go wrong!

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