Now that employers are dragging people back to the office some people are finding themselves bored at work. This is normal. The eight-hour work day is mostly bullshit. Especially in an office setting. And especially in the afternoon.

So, instead of listing ways to motivate you back into becoming a productive wage slave, here are 15 fun things you can do instead of tuning in to your 700th Zoom meeting where the discussion is what everyone had for lunch.

1. Start a rumor about a co-worker

“People are saying Janet in accounting has an OnlyFans account. I don’t know what’s on it, but I bet it’s got something to do with spreadsheets. Or maybe spread and sheets if you know what I mean.” ;)

Nothing bad ever came from rumors around the office. Especially a big one. The bigger the bigger the office, the more try travel. Rumors are like Covid. Every time they find a host there’s a chance they mutate. Mutated rumors are more fun. So speak quickly and quietly. Hopefully your office wife mishears you and fill in the blanks. Like the frog DNA for the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. That worked out great.

2. Start an online argument about something you know nothing about

Ever been on Reddit? It’s a site with thousands of subjections. There are lots of hobbies, games, and interests in the world, and there’s a section, or multiple sections on Reddit for all of them. And some of the people there think they’re pretty smart. If you’re bored at work, consider starting an argument with someone. The less you know about the subject the funnier it is. Make sure to use condescending sentence finishers like, “kid” or “son.”

You really don’t know what you’re talking about, do you, kid?

3. Apply for better jobs

If your job is boring and it sucks, then what are you even doing there? Why not get a better job? Between Monkeypox and Covid, people are dropping like flies. Never let a good tragedy go to waste. Keep an eye on the obituaries and look for younger people. Try to find out where they worked. There’s probably an opening there now.

4. Do some creative writing

Remember once when you saw that movie and were like, “I could write a better movie than that!” Well, here’s your chance. Let’s see what you got. Make sure to start your masterpiece with a voiceover and your main character waking up to start their day. All great movies have those two things in common. Everybody knows that. Voiceovers are particularly effective because film is a visual medium. If it’s in another language even better. Everyone loves to read a book when the lights go out at the cineplex.

5. Do an office workout

If you’re working in an office, then you probably sit too much. Sitting is horrendous for you. It’s basically a free ticket to an early grave. In fact, if you’re sitting right now why not get up and walk around the room? This article isn’t going anywhere. It’s not even all that good. Why are you reading it?

6. Send cryptic emails to people you haven’t seen in a while

Everyone loves being contacted out of the blue by ghosts from the past. Especially when they say weird things like, “Thinking about you lately. We should catch up.” And it’s like your math teacher from high school. Pretend like they’re your best friend. Ask them what they’re wearing and if later they want to get chicken.

7. Figure out how the stock market works

Most people are clueless when it comes to investing. But did you know that if you invested $1,000 in the right company today, then by next month you might still have $800 left? That’s only a 20% haircut. These days that pretty good. I mean what else are you going to do with the money? Eat it? That’s just stupid.

8. Learn a new hobby

Let’s face it. Most relationships end in heartbreak. Divorce is through the roof. Everyone is cheating on everyone. At some point you’re going to end back up on the dating apps. Why not take this opportunity to learn something neat you can put on your profile? Like sword fighting. Or cooking ancient recipes with dangerous ingredients. Hardcore Danger Cooking. I’d date someone that was into that. I’d date the crap out of them.

9. Fight your manager

Obviously your boss didn’t get the job because they were smart. They got it because they fought the old boss and defeated them in a one-on-one battle. Trial by combat isn’t the preferred hiring method these days but it’s still technically valid. Here’s what you do. You find a nice pair of gloves and you slap your boss in the face with one of them. Drop the glove at their feet and say, “What are you gonna do about it?” If they do nothing, congratulations you are now the manager.

10. Email your parents back

We get a lot of notifications during the day, but none more dreaded than the long-winded email your dad sent you at 9PM on a Friday asking for your recommendation on what kind of TV to buy. Old people sit at home doing nothing. They have all the time in the world. It annoys them when you don’t reply quickly. So get to it. What else are you going to do? Work? Phfffffffff.

11. Write a better article than this one

Did you know that if you spend a few hours writing, editing, and publishing an article that you can earn like $2 a week? How much are you currently earning? Zero? That’s what I thought. $2 is a coffee in some countries. Not in North America anymore, but probably somewhere. Coffee will help you write a second article and now you’re at $4 which is enough to retire on if you find a sugar daddy.

12. Text your ex

You always read about people getting back together after messy breakups. Some couples are just meant to be. That’s probably you. You’re a good person. I mean, you’re not a great person because you’re reading this instead of working, but nobody’s perfect. Now is the time to reconnect with the person who said they never wanted to see you again. They probably didn’t mean it. Why not shoot a quick “heyyyyyy” and see what’s what.

13. Figure out what this cryptocurrency garbage is all about

Here you are, working for the man, when you could be retired. Did you know kids are making a billion dollars a year trading crypto? Every YouTube video says it’s easy. All you need to do is buy into the latest thing, and then convince a million other people they should also buy into it to. Then you can fake your own death and retire to a country with no extradition treaty. How can you lose?

14. Eavesdrop on coworkers

Since you aren’t doing anything productive , now is a great time to walk to Starbucks for the third time today. On your way back, stop near some co-workers and tie your shoe. Check your phone. Put in your AirPods but don’t play any music. If people think you’re occupied and not paying attention to them, they might spill the beans about Janet in accounting. You wouldn’t believe what she gets up to on the weekend. Hint: It involves pink duct tape and the safety word is “pesto.”

15. Start an office romance

You know how they say, you shouldn’t take a dump where you eat? Well, that’s a stupid saying. Most people eat and poop at home. Therefore, the saying is invalid, and sleeping with the entry-level workers is not only a good idea, but highly recommended. And why stop there. Why not try and sleep with your boss? Studies show that people who start a relationship with their manager get promoted faster. If anyone gets in trouble, it’s usually the person with the higher rank. You often hear about CEOs having to resign for an office fling. Janet in accounting gets away it. She might even get a book deal.

Thanks for reading and not doing any work in the office. Make sure to follow us on Twitter if you want to waste even more time.

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