Biotech CEO asks employees to sell their kidneys

In a leaked email, The CEO of Basement Biotech, Bobby Newman, told his employees that things were getting tough.

“Folks, simply put, we’re running out of money here. Tapping the capital markets isn’t an option right now because we’re in a bear market. I’ve been in this business for 26 years and I’ve never seen it this bad. We’ve got two maybe three quarters left of cash. If you want to keep your jobs, then I need you donate your kidneys to the HR department. They’ll take it from there. Deborah from accounting has a cousin in Tehran and I can assure you we’re going to get top dollar for your organs.

Obviously, I would never ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do myself, so if you head down to laboratory #3 today at lunch, you can watch Mike and Sven cut me open. We dragged the popcorn machine out of the basement, and we’ll throw some music on. This isn’t the end of the world. This is a party.

Our Chief Business Officer tells me the foundation of economics is that people respond to incentives, so, the first 10 of you to sign up get a $50 gift card to Applebee’s. Your first margarita is on me.

Important: At the bottom of this email, you’ll find a link explaining why you only need one kidney and why it’s kind of selfish of you to hoard the other one.

More important: This probably goes without saying, but please do not forward this email to the press. Our sector has enough problems right now, and we really don’t need another letter from the FDA.”

GripRoom was able to confirm the authenticity of this email from two sources who told us under no circumstances would they be selling any more body parts for the company.

“This is worse than 2015,” said an employee who wished to remain anonymous. “Back then we could see a light at the end of the tunnel. It was worth it to shave your head and sell your hair to wigmaker. But a kidney? Are you kidding me? How much can you even get for that?”

“Twenty to thirty thousand,” says Interpol detective Mia Soloman. “It used to be in Iran that most organs were sold for a set rate, but they never adjusted it for inflation. If you don’t respect inflation, people can get better prices elsewhere, and that’s what turns a grey market into a black one.”

We sent an email to investor relations at Basement Biotech but like with most tough questions directed at biotech companies these days, it remains unanswered.

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