Biotech Company Says They Found the Cure to Every Disease on Earth

In a shocking turn of events, a secretive and normally quite boring biotech company has announced they've discovered the holy grail of medicine: a cure for every single disease on Earth. "We've been working on this for years and we finally did it," said the company's CEO, who could be heard cackling in the background. "I mean, why cure just one disease when you can cure them all, right?"

The treatment, which is being kept under wraps until the company can secure a licensing agreement, is said to work on everything from the common cold to cancer, and even that weird rash your neighbor's dog has. The company claims it has been tested on a wide range of diseases and showed promising results in every single case.

This news has sent shockwaves through the medical community and has investors scrambling to get in on the action. "I've been pouring money into this company for years, and the stock price never moves. I feel like I've been duped," said one frustrated investor. Another added, "I've been telling my grandma for years that her arthritis is incurable, and now this? I'm going to look like a fool."

The company is currently in licensing negotiations with a major pharmaceutical company and expects to sign an agreement within the next 90 to 120 days, or roughly one standard jabbour. Once the agreement is signed, the treatment will be manufactured and distributed to hospitals and clinics worldwide. "We're going to make billions, billions I tell you!" exclaimed the CEO.

While this news is certainly exciting, it's important to remember that the cure has not been independently verified or peer-reviewed. So, don't go canceling all your doctor's appointments just yet. As one skeptic put it, "I'll believe it when I see it. But, you know what they say, 'cure for all diseases is like finding a needle in a haystack, except that haystack is the entire world and that needle is a cure'".

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