How to Tell Someone They Need to Hit the Gym

A Comprehensive Guide to Insulting Others for Their Own Good

Oh, the woes of the modern world. We're all just a bunch of fitness freaks, right? Wrong. Some of us are still holding onto our couch potato status, proudly waving our flabby arms in the face of health and well-being. And as a concerned, nosy acquaintance or family member, it's clearly your duty to tell them to hit the gym. Lucky for you, we've got your back with this super helpful, not-at-all offensive guide on how to do just that. So, strap in and get ready to change someone's life with your unsolicited advice!

Step 1: Choose Your Victim

First things first, you need to choose the lucky person who'll receive your precious pearls of wisdom. You can't just go around telling everyone to hit the gym, can you? That would be absurd. Instead, you need to find that perfect person who's just begging for your advice. Look for the ones hiding in baggy clothes, always munching on a snack, or simply not boasting a six-pack. They're the ones who obviously need your help.

Step 2: Analyze Your Relationship

Now that you've found the "lucky" person, it's time to consider your relationship. Are you close enough to this person to offer such valuable advice? If you're already friends, or even acquaintances, that's perfect. But if you're just a stranger, don't worry! You can still spread your infinite wisdom. Just remember that your approach may vary depending on your connection. After all, who doesn't love some life-changing advice from a total stranger?

Step 3: Find the Perfect Time and Place

Timing is everything. You don't want to tell someone they need to hit the gym while they're already at the gym. That would be silly. You need to find the perfect time and place, preferably when they're indulging in a decadent meal or lounging around at home. That way, you can really emphasize the contrast between their current situation and where they should be – sweating it out at the gym.

Step 4: Be Subtle (or Not)

Now that you've found the perfect time and place, it's time to actually tell them. There are two ways you can go about this: be subtle or be brutally honest. If you're going for the subtle approach, consider using phrases like, "You know, I've noticed you've really been enjoying those donuts lately" or "You've really mastered the art of sitting on the couch, haven't you?" These backhanded compliments should do the trick.

On the other hand, if you prefer the brutally honest approach, just come out and say it: "Hey, you should hit the gym, like, yesterday." Who has time for subtlety, anyway?

Step 5: Use Social Media

If you're not feeling brave enough to tell them in person (or simply want to spread your unsolicited advice far and wide), social media is the perfect platform. You can share fitness memes, tag them in workout videos, or even post an article on how to tell someone they need to hit the gym (wink, wink). Nothing says "I care" like passive-aggressively shaming someone online.

Step 6: Offer "Support"

After you've successfully told them they need to hit the gym, it's important to offer your unwavering support. This is your chance to prove you're not just a nosy busybody, but actually a caring, empathetic person. So, suggest a gym membership, workout buddy, or even accompany them to their first workout. Just make sure to constantly remind them that it was your brilliant idea in the first place. They'll definitely appreciate your humble bragging.

Step 7: Celebrate Their "Progress"

As they start hitting the gym, make it a point to celebrate their progress, even if it's minimal. After all, you're responsible for their transformation, and everyone should know it. Don't forget to document their journey on social media, especially the embarrassing moments, like when they struggle to lift a 10-pound dumbbell or can't figure out how to use the treadmill. This will not only motivate them to work harder but also provide entertainment for your followers. Talk about a win-win!

Step 8: Continuously Offer Unsolicited Advice

Now that they've started going to the gym, it's crucial that you keep offering your unsolicited advice. After all, you're an expert now, right? Make sure to critique their form, suggest new workout routines, and offer nutrition advice – even if you have no actual experience or knowledge in these areas. Your constant input will undoubtedly speed up their progress and make them eternally grateful for your "expertise."

Step 9: Never Let Them Forget

Once they've finally achieved their fitness goals, it's essential that you never let them forget how it all started – with your life-altering advice, of course. Casually mention your contribution every now and then, just to keep them humble. They may roll their eyes or sigh heavily, but deep down, they'll know you're the real MVP.

Step 10: Find a New Victim

Now that you've successfully transformed one person's life, it's time to move on to the next. There's no rest for the wicked, after all. So, go forth and continue your noble crusade of telling people they need to hit the gym. Who knows, you might even earn a sainthood for your selfless efforts.

You’ve got this!

Telling someone they need to hit the gym is not only your civic duty but also a truly rewarding experience. With this comprehensive guide, you now have all the tools you need to change lives and spread your unsolicited advice far and wide. So, go ahead and revel in your newfound status as a fitness evangelist, and remember: you're doing this for their own good, no matter how many times they tell you to mind your own business. Good luck meddling!