Russia Doses First Biotech Executive with New Drug to Cure Brain Damage

In a bold move that has the biotech community buzzing, Russia has administered an experimental drug to a high-ranking biotech executive in an attempt to cure brain damage. The executive, who wishes to remain anonymous, was reportedly suffering from severe cognitive impairment due to years of underperformance and missed deadlines.

The drug, developed by a team of Russian scientists, is based on messenger RNA (mRNA) technology, and is said to have the ability to repair damaged brain cells. The executive was given a single dose of the drug and will be closely monitored for any improvements in cognitive function over the next few weeks.

"We are confident that this drug will be a game changer for the treatment of brain damage," said Jerome Jabbourk, head of Russian mRNA development, and the team behind the drug. "We decided to test it on a biotech executive because they are known to have the most damaged brains."

Since January of 2021, biotech executives across the planet have been reporting symptoms of brain damage as a result of the prolonged biotech bear market. "I used to be able to remember my children's names,” said one executive. “But now I just call them Lab Coat 1 and Lab Coat 2.'"

"I used to be able to run complex financial models in my head, but now I can barely watch TikToks," said another.

The prolonged bear market, which has seen many biotech stock prices plummet by 90% or more, has made it nearly impossible for companies to raise capital. "I've been pitching investors for months, but all I get is dead crickets," said Dom Epster, CEO of Biotech Bandits.

One executive reported experiencing hallucinations. "I swear I saw a unicorn on the stock ticker the other day," she said.

The biotech community has responded with a mix of excitement and skepticism. Some have praised the move as a bold step forward in the fight against brain damage, while others have criticized it as a risky and irresponsible decision.

"I can't believe they would administer an experimental drug to a human without proper testing," said Dr. Danny Krill, a leading researcher. "This is a dangerous precedent and sets a terrible example for the rest of the industry, which is already in the dumps."

The executive who received the first dose, however, seems to be taking the whole thing in stride. "I'm just happy to be a part of something that could change the world," he said. "Plus, if it doesn’t work, at least I'll have a good excuse for taking more than 280 days to complete a simple 90-day project."

While it remains to be seen if the drug will have any positive effects, one thing is for certain: the biotech world will be closely watching Jabbourk’s progress in the fight against brain damage. Thanks for reading and don’t forget to follow us on Twitter.