‘Twas the night before JPM 2023

‘Twas the night before JPM, and all through the net

Biotech investors were stirring, and starting to fret;

Their portfolios ravaged by the ’22 rout,

They hoped 2023 would turn it about,

Trolls and paid bashers were snug in the beds,

While visions of fake comments danced in their heads;

Retail investors had got out the booze,

And they started to drink, in hopes they could snooze;

When on a message board there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter;

Away to Stocktwits I flew like a flash,

Clicked on my ticker symbol and skipped past the trash;

The nonsense gave way to solid DD,

Replies and comments that make you hehe;

I kept scrolling down past a comment buffet,

When who should appear but Merger Monday;

He was shriveled and dying after such a bad year

But I knew it was him and let out a cheer,

More rapid than algos his coursers they came,

And he groaned, and he posted, and texted by name;

“Now CRISPR! Now GENOME! Now ENZYME, and JADED!

On, BUYOUT! On PHASE-3! On PENDING and HALTED!

To the top of the trending! To the top of the wall!

Now go green at last, green at last all!

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With a car full of paper losses, and Merger Monday too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof;

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Merger Monday came with a bound;

He was dressed all in scraps, from his super bad year,

And he smelled like a homeless guy covered in beer;

A bundle of investments he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a used car salesman opening his pack.

His eyes – how depressed, from 2022

His face was all pale and he stared at my brew,

His sad little mouth was unshaven and tired

And his scraggly beard left much to be desired

The stump of a cigar held tight in his lips,

He’d grown old and weary from buying the dips;

He had the dead eyes of someone who’d lost,

Most of their portfolio in biotech stocks;

He was thin and gaunt, a dying old elf,

And I laughed at my returns, in spite of myself;

But a wink of his eye and twist of head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but sat at my chair,

Posting positive things for all investors to share;

After he was finished spreading biotech cheer,

He lit another cigar and chugged my last beer;

He sprang to his car, a Tesla of course,

And away he flew, with the power of 9000 horse;

I heard him shout back as he started to climb,

“BIOTECH IS BACK, BABY - AND IT’S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME.”