How to Deal with Workplace Sexual Harassment

You just started working at your dream job. From the perfect business card, to the stories you get to tell your friends about your clients, to the after-work wine, everything is going as planned. Or is it?

You’ve worked so hard to get here, but there’s a sinking feeling in your stomach. Your boss looked at you a bit too long. He put his hand on the small of your back as you walked through the doorway. Harmless, right? You convince yourself he’s just being friendly.

Then, one late night at the office, he starts asking you personal questions. Questions about your dating life. He asks if you’d ever been with someone older. Is he implying himself? This only happens in movies, right? This can’t be happening. It’s getting more and more obvious, but all you can think about is your career. You’ve worked so hard to get here, you can put up with this blip for a lifetime of success. But should you have to?

The onus of “dealing with it” has been around for centuries. Men do things, women deal with them, in classic victim blaming scenarios. Women apologize to men for bringing their behaviour to their attention. Men say they don’t mean any harm, and any uncomfortableness the women felt is on the women for not understanding their intentions.

This is the narrative of sexual harassment in the workplace. At least the narrative of male bosses and female employees or coworkers. I will be using male bosses as the example since they’re the more common perpetrator of sexual harassment. Women will also perpetrate, but at lower rates and with a different power dynamic. So, for this conversation, we will be assuming it is a man in charge.

Harassment in the workplace is often subtle, and in ways men in power know they can get away with it. Especially when they control your career and are a constant in your everyday life. They often take advantage of your niceness and will be confident you’ll never say anything. Agreeability is a trait most women are forced into using more than they should.

Your boss will think the worst you’ll do is quit, jeopardizing your career. There’s a tiny, off-chance you’ll file a claim with human resources, but they may brush it under the rug to protect the company. There’s an even tinier chance you’ll go to law enforcement, which would be an even bigger ordeal for you. In both cases, you’ll potentially get paid off by the company. But, you’ll have to go through so much public and personal shame reliving those moments it may not even feel worth it in the end. Further, your goal may not even be met. He may not be punished, as complaints quickly devolve into “he said she said”. In every scenario, the boss knows they have the upper hand.

So, what’s a woman to do?

There are a couple of options. But the best one is to get proof. Start carrying around a journal and write down every single conversation and inappropriate action that takes place. Put your phone on record and carry it around with you everywhere. Having something on tape is even better than writing it down yourself. If you have the means, hire a lawyer to get you in the best possible position. Basically, watch the movie Bombshell and do exactly what Gretchen Carlson does.

Gretchen was getting harassed by famous sexual abuser Roger Ailes. Ailes was the CEO of Fox News and Gretchen was on a Fox show. She hired lawyers who helped her get her affairs in order and recorded everything he said to her. Once she went public and claimed he was harassing her, he denied everything. Then, once he’d thrown himself under the bus of lies, she released the tapes. They both incriminated him and proved the public couldn’t trust his word.

She received a settlement of $20 million. This didn’t make it worth it, but it slightly improved the situation for her. It validated her experience with publicity and money. She received a public apology and was proved the one thing we all want to know: It’s not all in your head.

So, what if you’re not Gretchen Carlson? What if you aren’t on the public stage, don’t have a degree from Stanford and the financial means to hire attorneys and bring down a media giant? What if you’re just starting out at a company and don’t want to cause an upset at the beginning of your career? If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it’s hard to choose between homelessness, starvation, and sexual harassment. Further, the blame is shifted to the victim, making it an excruciating ordeal.

This is why a lot of women won’t speak up. There isn’t a system in place to support victims. The system supports abusers. So, you’ll see a lot of women sweeping harassment under the rug to protect their safety bubble. It takes a lot of courage to speak out against people you may even admire and respect, while potentially jeopardizing their careers. Women will put up with a lot before speaking up, and some will never come forward because they’d rather not upset their precarious situation.

However, that doesn’t make it okay, and it sure doesn’t make it fair.

The barriers men and women face in the workplace are vastly different. A woman must prove herself ten times more than any man. She must constantly try not to be talked over and must fight for a fraction of the respect her male colleagues receive. When harassment takes place from a male boss towards a female employee, the power dynamic is such that she won’t feel she has any options. Women are taught from a young age they should adhere to the will of men. Since the dawn of the dress code, boys have been painted as tempted creatures while girls must cover up to accommodate them. Then, when they get older, they still feel like they need to accommodate the creepy men who make them uncomfortable.

Understanding the history of misogyny, sexism, and the patriarchy are helpful to both women and men. When we as women know we’re a product of our environment, we’ll stop feeling sorry for ourselves for not speaking up. When men realize how the world has been shaped to suit them, those with empathy will work to reverse it.

Now that we’ve gone over why you may not want to come forward, you can understand why you must. There’s only moving forwards, even if it feels like we’re being pulled back. The more bosses found accountable for their actions, the more their replacements will realize it’s not acceptable.

Think about it in terms of The Purge. What would you do if you knew you could get away with it? Many people have heinous responses to this question. Well, these bosses often believe they can get away with it (because they do most of the time).

In the Me Too era of women coming out and saying they’ve also been subjected to assault and harassment, more men are being held accountable. If you want to make a change, sometimes you must make an example of yourself. Easier said than done, of course. But if you have the option, here’s what you do.

Step 1: Prepare your notepad and recorder, and don’t keep the evidence on a work computer. Keep it in a safe place. Somewhere where if you got fired, it couldn’t be destroyed by your company. You want everything on tape or written down afterwards because, as we know, people often don’t believe a “he said she said”. Look into your company’s policy on harassment claims, then see what the law is. If the law is on your side, you have a case. It can either be quid pro quo (your boss asks for a sexual favor in return for a positive employment opportunity) or a hostile work environment (making comments based on your gender and making you uncomfortable). Once you get some hard proof and know your facts, move on to Step 2.

Step 2: Subtly ask your co-workers if anyone else is experiencing the same thing. Don’t blow your cover, but now that you have proof it’s not as big a deal if you’re fired. In fact, it can help your case and get you more money. If you find others are experiencing the same thing, encourage them to come forward with you. There is strength in numbers and makes the story a hundred times more believable to the public. One woman can be called a liar, but more than one… Can also be called liars. But, it will help your case and you won’t have to go through it all alone.

Step 3: Go to human resources and say you’d like to file a claim. If they don’t remove your boss from power, go a step further and file a lawsuit. If they act accordingly, make sure you feel you’re compensated correctly. If you feel you’re entitled to criminal or civil compensation, you can always skip human resources and go straight to the legal system.

Step 4: Remember you are clawing your way through the glass ceiling so that others can follow in your footsteps. You’re not alone and people appreciate you. The little girls who are able to go to HR and have their abuser experience serious consequences, all because you took this leap of faith, will appreciate you. It's scary, but that’s what change feels like.

Sexual harassment can be confusing. You question everything you’ve done to make sure you haven’t given any misinterpreted signals. But what you must remember is this. It isn’t about sex. It’s about power. You could have done nothing or everything, it doesn’t matter. The thrill in harassment and assault is about power and making you uncomfortable. Thus, never fret in reconsidering the moves you’ve made. It isn’t your fault. It’s theirs.

Learning why sexual harassment occurs in the workplace means we can try to put an end to it. The sexism and misogyny that runs through corporate walls makes men feel they can do whatever they please without getting in trouble. By first learning about the history and science behind predators turned bosses, we can understand how it’s not our fault in the slightest. Then, by following these steps, you can help put an end to this free for all. Rome wasn’t built over night, and ancient institutions won’t be overthrown right away. But slowly and surely, case by case, they will be.

You got this.