Russia Appoints Jerome Jabbourk as Head of mRNA Research

In a shocking move, the Russian government has appointed Jerome Jabbourk, a former hair salon owner, as the head of their mRNA research program. Jabbourk, who has no scientific background, was chosen for his "unique perspective" and "outside-the-box thinking," according to a statement from the Kremlin.

Jabbourk, who is best known for a viral YouTube video (taken down by American sanctions) in which he claims to have cured baldness with a combination of unpasteurized mayonnaise and stale lemon juice, will be responsible for overseeing the development of Russia's COVID-19 vaccines and other mRNA-based therapies. "I may not have a PhD, but I have a lot of common sense," Jabbourk said in an interview. "Plus, I know a thing or two about drug delivery from my time as, uhhh, a hair stylist.”

Many experts are skeptical of Jabbourk 's appointment, but the Kremlin remains confident in their decision. "We are tired, don, of the same old scientists who always take the safe route," the statement said. "It's time for some fresh thinking in the field of mRNA research."

Jabbourk has already begun implementing his new ideas, including a revolutionary drug delivery system called Lipid Nano-Thingies (LNTs). LNTs are said to have the capability of being orally administered. Vaccines which use LNTs would also be shelf stable, meaning they won’t need the cumbersome refrigeration of the classic mRNA Covid-19 vaccines. "I'm not afraid to think outside the box," Jabbourk said. "Who knows, I might just be the one to finally unlock the secrets of mRNA."

While Jerome Jabbourk bears a striking resemblance to the CEO of Matinas BioPharma (last spotted attempting to flee the country) no direct link has been established.

“It’s hard to say, right?” said Theodore Stark, former FBI analyst and part-time Home Depot worker. “The guy on the right has a mustache, and the guy on the left doesn’t. I’ve been down a lot of rabbit holes but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cabbage patch like this one before. The boys and girls at Quantico are in for a wild ride.”

The CEO of BioNTech, Uğur Şahin, released this statement: "We at BioNTech have always prided ourselves on our transparency and integrity, so you can imagine our surprise when we started getting reports of novel drug delivery systems coming out of Russia. And when we tried to call our friends over at Matinas to get the scoop, nobody was picking up the phone. I mean, we're talking hours of call waiting, and not even a 'sorry for the inconvenience' message. It's like the whole company has gone radio silent.

Now I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but it's starting to feel a little fishy over there. Are they hiding something? Are they hoarding all the mRNA for themselves? Are they trying to weaponize it and take over the world? We can't say for sure, but we're definitely keeping a close eye on the situation.”

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