Canada Issues Travel Advisory for Its Own Capital City

The Canadian government is urging citizens to avoid non-essential travel to Ottawa, in a new advisory citing "Trucker aggression."

The breakaway republic referred to as the “Red Zone” has stationed more than 500 trucks, and between 1,000 and 8,000 occupiers, partiers, and antivaxxers in and around the area of downtown Ottawa.

While the Red Zone has garnered the support of Pierre Poilievre, conservative MP, and part-time Pillsbury Doughboy, the so-called “Freedom Convoy” does not have the support of most Canadians.

“Nevertheless,” says government spokeswoman Jill Hidesalot, “citizens should avoid travel to Ottawa. The police force has been mostly useless and outnumbered. On a Monday or Tuesday, protestor numbers drop to about 250. There are 1,500 officers in the city and more arriving every day. We believe that once we’ve assembled approximately 72,000 police officers, Chief Sloly should be able to evict the Canadian Taliban, or ‘trailerban’ if you will.”

Meanwhile, Ontario premier Doug Ford has declared a state of emergency. He has threatened jail time and fines of up to $100,000. But it’s unclear if any of the unemployed and temporarily homeless occupiers have the money to pay such fines. Especially now that their primary source of donations has been frozen.

“Why not take this opportunity to visit Toronto?” says Hidesalot. “The air quality is about the same as Ottawa now.” Jill checks her phone and then gets serious. “If you are in Ottawa and rely on public transportation to escape, then I would recommend leaving now because let’s face it, the fact that the LRT hasn’t broken down during all this is a fucking miracle.”

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