Ottawa Police Say NATO Strategic Forces Needed to Dislodge Protestors
While it’s true that Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly has been requesting additional resources to deal with convoy protestors, this is the first time he’s hinted that a nuclear strike might be the only solution.
His office on Elgin Street is cold and dry. A single lightbulb swings from the ceiling. It flickers like in a detective novel where they’re trying to set the mood. The smell of old shoes and maple syrup are making me hungry. The Chief hasn’t been this stressed in years, he tells me. “I’m smoking two packs a day now. Ever the convoy set up their base.” Sloly rolls down the window and yells, “Shut up I’m trying my best!”
Outside are hundreds of counter-protestors hollering for his resignation. The polling isn’t kind. Nobody, not the citizens or any level of government believe that he’s handled this properly. Which is why he went with the nuclear option.
“Everybody’s always calling it that,” says Sloly, using his fingers for air quotes. “The nuclear option.” His coffee cup has mold growing in it. “That’s the option you go with when you’ve run out of options. Obviously, I knew what the nuclear option was before, but I wanted to explain it to the troops so I had Bell look it up.’
We talked to military expert, Dave Torrance, who said: “’Strategic forces’ is political code for nukes. It’s diplomatic. You don’t want to threaten someone with nukes because it’s rude and it can cause panic and it’s just not done by top-level statesmen. Yeah, sure, you’re still making demands and threatening them with nuclear weapons, but you gotta phrase it like, ‘We’re moving our strategic forces into the area to secure the flow of vital resources.’ That’s great because it’s boring. Most people have already changed the channel at that point.”
Canada doesn’t have nuclear weapons so we must rely on the US. That means triggering certain provisions in our joint military pact. While Sloly says he’s not exactly sure how this falls under Article 5 of NATO, he’s got top men and women working on it. “Yeah we’ve got about 1,500 regulars on the force. Plus another 350 or so RCMP. But they’re busy directing traffic. Don’t worry we’ll figure it out. All the top brass is working on it. We just thought we’d throw the nuclear option out there so the Americans can aim the missiles or bombers or whatever at the protestors.” He leans back in his chair and cracks his knuckles. “That’s how you’re gonna flush those kooks. Drop some nukes that work like those explosions in Bomberman. Only send the fire down the streets with the protestors. Leave the buildings intact. We melt their trucks into easily moveable raw materials and Bob’s your uncle. Home by Christmas and all that jazz.”
While Sloly seemed convinced that nuclear weapons were the only remaining option, others were a bit skeptic. Melany Irwin, a retired case officer at Global Affairs said, “Sloly is way too premature here. We’re not even close to talking strategic forces. He hasn’t even, for example, tried creating his own splinter group. Or mercenaries. Or even releasing the Rancor. Did you catch that last episode of Boba Fett? It was sick. If they didn’t need nukes to defend Mos Espa, then neither do we. Sloly has the resources he needs and if wants to buy a Rancor then I know a guy.”
(Thanks for reading and don’t forget to follow us on Twitter. In case it wasn’t obvious, this article was satire.)
