US to Evacuate Non-Essential Embassy Staff from Ottawa
Due to the growing protest in Ottawa, and the near complete lack of police response to end it, the US has decided to evacuate all non-essential staff from their embassy at 490 Sussex Drive. They have also placed 25 border troops on high alert.
“Twenty-five is probably all we’d need to clear the core,” says Michigan Governor, Gretchen Whitmer. “It’s actually hilarious how inept the Ottawa police service is. During the week, protester numbers drop to about what, 250-500? Two cannisters of tear gas, couple tasers and it’s over. What are they waiting for?”
When asked for a comment, Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly seemed to act like a malfunctioning robot stuck in a loop. “Thank you for your question. At this time we *bzzzt*. Thank you for your question. At this time we *bzzt*.”
Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minster of Canada, gave a short statement to reporters this morning at his cottage. “We continue to assess the situation as it develops on the ground. Unfortunately, the optics of tear gassing these neckbeards is not great. For the time being it’s a political hot potato. City bounces it to province, province bounces it to federal, and then we throw shade on Sloly and bounce it back to them. The citizens of Centertown have become victims of the very bureaucracy they’ve sworn to protect. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for my Super Bowl party. Go Bengals.”
A small contingent of marines will be left behind to guard the US embassy. Ambassador David Cohen said, “God I hope they try something over here. It’s gonna be redneck whack-a-mole.”
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