Ottawa Police Request Additional Spines and Testicles
We sat down with Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly after the OPS put out a press release asking for spinal cord and testicle donations.
“Look,” said Peter. “We’ve done our research. Our force currently has a courage and morale problem. Nobody wants to forcefully evict these muppets because the optics of dragging a bunch of babies kicking and screaming down Wellington Street is no bueno for your career.”
“But you’ve done it before,” I said. “You’ve evicted homeless camps, Occupy Wall Street, things like that. What’s different about this situation?”
Sloly takes a long pull from his cigarette and blows smoke out the window, adding to Ottawa’s worsening air quality. “That was different,” he said. “What you need to understand about force projection, is that we don’t go in anywhere unless we have a 10-1 advantage. That’s 10 officers for every criminal. Otherwise, it’s just too scary.”
“So, you want spines and,” I check my notes, “testicles? Like balls?”
“Correct,” says the chief. “Our research indicates that courage and bravery come from ‘having a spine’ or ‘having big balls’. We tried yoga balls but they’re too awkward to bring inside Tim Horton’s. It’s really just manpower problem. Extra officers are expensive, but good people pass away all the time and donate their bodies to science. All we’re asking is for a bit of that science to percolate thisaway.”
“What about the female officers?”
Sloly leans back in his chair. “You’ve never heard of lady balls? It’s a real thing. It’s figurative of course, as far as we can tell, but we don’t see the harm in reinforcing those with the literal kind. We’ve even got a guy working on ‘backbones.’ As soon as we figure out what those are we’ll initiate discussions on establishing a committee to procure them.”
From the press release, OPS is requesting an additional 15,000 spines, and 30,000 individually-wrapped testicles. “How much is all this going to cost?” I ask.
Sloly winks at me. “No expense is too high as long as it’s going on someone else’s credit card.”
(Thanks for reading and don’t forget to follow us on Twitter. In case it wasn’t obvious, this article was satire.)
