Gilead Sciences to start burning piles of cash in the parking lot

Gilead Sciences today announced a new capital deployment strategy. Instead of purchasing companies, or structuring new deals, they’ve decided to load their cash into wheelbarrows, dump it in the parking lot, and then light it on fire.

“It’s a lot faster this way,” said CEO Daniel O’Day. “Before we were going out of our way to overpay for a bunch of lemons. Yeah, our stock price has flatlined this year, but we still haven’t hit our target of -30%. So, I presented this idea to the board of directors and they were thrilled.”

Gilead’s stock price is down approximately 3% over the last five years, which has some analysts concerned they’re not actually trying to make money. “It’s a weird situation,” says Rex Tilray of Tilray Financial. “Usually companies want their stock price to go up. It gives them more access to capital markets. Shareholders are thrilled, and institutions are lining up to invest. This strategy of total capitulation is a new one. Although I’m really interested to see which type of gasoline they’re going to use. Gas is expensive right now but if they’re serious about destroying the company then they’ll go with premium. Although I’ve heard a few cases for diesel because it makes a larger mess and will be more expensive to clean up.”

Chief Medical Officer, Merdad Parsey was asked how to felt about this bold new strategy. “Am I disappointed we’re not going to do research anymore? Don’t be ridiculous. I’m thrilled. I never wanted to leave Genentech anyway. They have a nicer breakroom and there’s a great dumpling restaurant right around the corner.”

This new strategy comes on the heels of disappointing TROPICS-2 results presented this weekend at ASCO. Gilead paid $21 billion for Immunomedics in 2020, and has already taken a 2.7B write down on the company.

Trodelvy, once called a “foundational asset” by O’Day, now appears to little more than a multi-billion-dollar leaky canoe.

When asked if he would be resigning, O’Day said, “Are you kidding me? I still got another five billion to torch. You want me out of this company you’re gonna have to send the Hulk.”